At some point in my mid 30's though, the experience changed. I've always looked much younger than I was so it wasn't due to lack of opportunity. I was still enjoying the sex but immediately after, I felt empty. Often while still naked with the other man. The 'High' did not last beyond the orgasm.
In retrospect, I see this was when the depression first started to appear. The frequent, random, anonymous sex was not the cause of the depression, in fact it had probably been lurking under the surface for a very long time. Sex was like a drug. An escape from parts of my life. And as with any drug, it eventually lost its potency. The feelings of loneliness were amplified after these intense physical encounters were over because there was nothing else there. I believe I was desperate for an emotional connection through the physical because that was what was (is) truly missing from my life.
As the depression deepened and my self worth diminished, the momentary passion and excitement that sex provided disappeared. Where once I was having sex four or five times a week, I was now going months, sometimes years between encounters - and that was fine with me. I had gotten to a place where sex made me feel even worse so why would I do that to myself? I became quite adept at masturbation fantasies when 'the need' arose and phone-sex when the need to hear another voice in the throes of passion was needed. This was my primary method of sexual release for years. Occasionally actual partners would come and go but none that worked out more than once or twice.
There was one exception, 'Mr Brazil'. A man who lived out of the city most of the year but who would come into town in the fall and give me a call. He is a very handsome and sweet man but the sex is uninspired. Because I do genuinely like him I don't feel as empty as I usually do after sex but the encounters are so predictable that there is little excitement either. He is a great kisser and that makes up for a LOT but his sexual wants are quite small and he isn't interested in anything beyond that. I can describe exactly what will happen when we get together and, try as I might (and believe me, I HAVE tried) the pattern cannot be varied. He must shower IMMEDIATELY after he cums... even if I'm not finished. ("Not Polite!" - I can hear Miss Manners now...)
So, I eventually found myself resigned to masturbation and phone-sex as my primary sexual world. As Woody Allen said... "At least it's sex with someone I love". The only problem is that I wasn't in love with myself...
As I mentioned in my very first post, my psychiatrist found some medical issues that were contributing to my depression. One problem that was discovered was that I had a very low level of testosterone. He has found that a very large percentage of his gay patients suffering from extreme depression have this same problem and it is often overlooked. My levels were about 20% of what they should be so replacement therapy was ordered.
This, along with the anti-depressants quickly began to lighten my mood so at least I could feel 'good enough' to begin the work necessary to deal with the depression. The side effect though is that my sex drive has grown exponentially. I constantly think about sex and how to get it. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling 'ready' to act on it. I have a lot of work to do on myself physically before I will feel even remotely desirable. I hadn't noticed how little I cared about my appearance in the last few years. Everything about me feels drab which is NOT helpful in the gay meat market. So I am scrubbing, buffing, polishing, and grooming myself silly so I can get out there and FUCK! Was it always this much work?
At least it is starting to feel like it is worth it!
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