Bad Week

I had a pretty bad week all told.

It started one day after one of my therpay sessions. I suddenly felt disconnected and confused. We had been talking about my inability to let go of the old expectations I have of my mother and about how frustrated I felt about that. My doctor said that the expectations I have of my mother would lessen when I had someone in my life that loved and cared for me. That this person would, in effect, take over some of my emotional needs. At least that was what I heard...

I started to feel that I was completely out of control of my happiness and well being. I took what was said to mean that until I found someone to love me who I truly trusted and loved back I would not be able to release the deep-seated issues I have with my parents.

One of the biggest issues I have to overcome is the fact that I believe deep down that it will be impossible to find someone who will love me with the respect and passion afforded to others. Since this is still my baseline feeling, hearing that my future happiness was directly connected to finding a 'true love', I knew in my soul that this was impossible. Add to that the fact that this also put my future happiness in the hands of some other mystery person and NOT in my own hands and I was pretty devastated. I'll never find happiness! I was unable to go into work for a few days and was profoundly sad. This should NOT be happening!

I also did not want to go in for my next session. I have learned throughout this process that the more I don't want to go in for a session, the more imortant it is that I do go and talk about it. As I began to describe what was going on I began to see how I had misinterpreted what was being said. Further discussion cleared things up but I was left with an uneasy feeling. How could I get so down so quickly, especially with work I'm ding and the medications I'm taking.

In short, I had a few bad days that took nearly a week to recover from. My own impatience at the pace things are taking naturally has pushed me to try to move too quickly I think. My doctor keeps reminding me that I need to set the pace for us. I mentioned that maybe I was pushing too hard, that maybe because I'm not ready to jump headlong back into the dating world that talking about finding love might be a bit premature. He said 'maybe' but that this kind of pain is beneficial and will only bring in real change if I allow myself to experience and understand it.

Maybe... but I think I need to understand myself even more before I'm ready to look at dating again. I think I need to believe that it is possible for me. There's a lot of evidence to the contrary in the forefront of my mind. I need to find a way to bring the evidence to support the idea that I'm (allegedly) loveable up from the murky depths. They are hard to see way down there...