Innocence Lost

I've been looking at my emotional state for quite a while now. It seems a logical part of the process of overcoming depression but I'm finding it much more tricky than I ever imagined. One thing I know with certainty is that I've been disconnected from my emotions for a long time. I find myself unable to 'feel' at times when I think I should and then will be overcome with emotion unexpectedly.

I went to the theatre today to see 'Hair'. A musical that I love and have seen other productions of as recently as last year. This show has always left me feeling happy and nostalgic for a time I never experienced first hand. It always struck me as being full of life (I've Got Life, Mother!) and Hope even though we know now that the cultural revolution of the late 60s ultimately fails.

Still it was a time when the country was ripe and hungry for change. The youth of America may have been naive in its hope for Love, Peace and Understanding (not to mention Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll) but what else is youth for if not to dream of a better world and believe you have the power to make it happen?

Today my experience was very different. Although I was at first taken to a familiar place, I ultimately went somewhere new and unexpected. By the end, tears were slowly but steadily streaming down my face as I was overcome with sadness. This was not a heaving, sobbing cry but instead the simple expression of tears flowing non-stop. I was moved this time at how much our current state as a nation is mirrored in this 43 year old musical about the hippie counter culture. An innocence we have certainly lost without having grown much (if any) wiser. I wept for all of us who still wish for a better life but have lost the drive to make it happen.

I also wept a bit for myself. I often mourn my loss of innocence (I held on to it as long as possible) and have wished I could find it again. I think there was a small piece that thought it would still be there when I came out of the depression but, of course, innocence once lost can never be regained. I think that hit home for me today.