Self Image (Pt.2)

Another self image issue I have is that I do not believe that other people truly like or care for me. Now even I know that is much too broad a statement to be true. I have great friends back where I grew up who do care and often tell me how much I am missed and loved. I have a wonderful sister who means the world to me. I also have countless numbers of examples of people who should have cared for me. Who should have loved and protected me who didn't. My parents were never affectionate with us and we were often left to fend for ourselves.

There was a time when I was in High School that I was convinced that the only reason I had any friends was that my mother had paid them. Outrageous, but it was how I felt. Now that only lasted a few minutes but in some ways that feeling has persisted way in the back of my subconscious. In some ways I don't believe that people are honest with how they feel about me if they claim to see me in a positive light. In my mind, the majority of people I have had in my life have been emotionally cruel, used and then discarded me, or, worst of all, not even acknowledged my existence. Those people have such power and take such focus that soometimes I don't see the people who do love me. I'm reminded of Julia Roberts' line in Pretty Woman when she and Richard Gere are talking about how she doesn't like compliments because she never believes them. Her explanation is that she's heard too many times how worthless she is and that "It is easier to believe the bad stuff". I have rarely identified with anything more.

I often feel invisible when out in the world. Being a gay man 'of a certain age', this is magnified because the gay community requires a certain level of confidence and bravado from its 'members'. As an attractive young man who did not suffer from lack of physical love, I could combat the invisibility with sexuality though I never felt an emotional connection . Looking for emotional acceptance in the land of quick and often anonymous sexual encounters is foolish but it was the only place I could find. At least there were men willing to love me physically and their pursuit of me validated my existence. Of course I got out of there as soon as it was over before they could get to know 'me' and become another in the long line of people who hurt me. Eventually the empty sex stopped filling the emotional void as it grew ever larger. Of course it took years (I was having a lot of fun!) but eventually I stopped the cruising and tried to find that missing piece. That emotional connection but I found myself back being used, lied to, and eventually devistated by a succession of men I trusted.

Another moment that has come to mind recently when when I was probably 18 or 19 years old. I was talking with one of my college friends (who remains one of my closest friends in the world) and I made the statement "I want to be one of those people who, when they walk in a room, everyone turns to look at." I don't think we discussed that statement. I certainly don't remember any discussion. I think it was just too dangerous and we were too immature to understand what I was actually saying. I understand now that 'those' kinds of people demand that kind of attention with their attitude as much as their physical presence. I think at the time I believed that if I were beautiful people would love me.

My therapist said that we need to focus on work that will allow me to see the possibility that someone could actually love me warts and all. That they wouldn't even see the things about myself that I find so revolting. At this point in my life I can't even imagine that to be true. I can't imagine trusting anyone who would say anything so insane! In my heart I hope I'm wrong.