A New Beginning

I've been contemplating starting this blog for a while now and believe this is the time. A new year, a new decade and the beginning of a new outlook. What could be a more opportune time than this?

I've been in the midst of depression for many years. Sometimes slight and sometimes, in fact most recently, devastating. It is amazing to me that after years of dealing with this and making some very important breakthroughs and life changes, that depression can have such a deep and widespread root system. So much so that it will sometimes sneak back with such stealth that it isn't even noticed until it has taken hold of one's life. Gripping tightly. Invading completely.

The mistake I've made in the past is in not understanding that this is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life. I believed that if I found answers to the immediate problem then I was 'cured'. I have learned that the truth is I must forever remain vigilant, aware, and conscious of what I am doing and how I am reacting to things. No more 'auto-pilot' for me. That is the opening depression looks for as an invitation to take over.

For me, the worst impact on my life is that I've changed from being very sociable to a near shut-in. I have stopped doing things I once loved and stopped spending time with people I love. Not completely of course, I'm much too clever for that. I have found a way over the years to slowly make the transition so that people didn't notice. Such a drastic change would have been alarming. Removing myself from life slowly could be (and has been) attributed to the demands of work, increasing responsibilities, and 'exhaustion'. With the increased demands placed on everyone these days, this is the perfect 'cover' and is easily believed.

It seems that 2009 was a difficult year for most everyone I know in so many ways. I found myself in the deepest depression I had ever experienced but with no obvious reason. Unlike so many, I have a secure job where I am very valued. I have no debt for the first time in my life, and yet I was overwhelmed with sadness. On a dream vacation where I was having an amazing time, I would find myself weeping uncontrollably during those moments when I was alone with my thoughts. That was the first sign of trouble. The sadness deepened to where I knew I had to get help.

I was unbelievably lucky to find an amazing psychiatrist almost right away. He is the first therapist who has suggested that, along with some serious emotional issues I may have to deal with, that there are often medical problems that can contribute. These are often overlooked and make recovery much more difficult. He recommended I get a full physical from my internist and he prescribed a number of tests as well. Although test after test came back with positive results (some even surprising the doctors) a few did come back with not so great results. The good news is that none of these are life threatening but are easily treatable. So the first steps were in treating these medical components as well as traditional therapy.

After only four months we've made some great progress and I can feel a difference physically. The extreme exhaustion, sadness, and irritability have lessened and I feel hopeful that we are on the right track.

I have said for years that I feel that "there is something fundamentally wrong with me". In the past every therapist has responded with something along the lines of 'No, of course not, you're fine.' This time my new therapist said "You're probably right. But we can figure out what it is and fix it." I have to admit that was a shock to hear, and a relief. We're on the way to finding out what 'it' is and he is confidant we'll get there. I (cautiously) agree. This blog will document the journey.

I look forward to sharing what occurs with you and hope to hear your thoughts. I see good things ahead in 2010 and wish us all a Very Happy New Year!