Show Me State (of Mind)

I guess I should have been born in Missouri since I am definitely a 'Show Me' kind of guy.

My therapist has made some statements that I find rather amazing and presumptuous and I always make a point of telling him so. He usually responds by not responding with more than a nod of his head. Of course, this is one of the reasons I like him. He challenges me to see things in a different way.

One of those statements was that I would find that there are men out there who will find me desirable exactly as I am, flaws and all. I categorize that as one of those things people say that is ultimately not true. We all WANT it to be true but it isn't. This led to the discussion I wrote about in my last post and my realization that men HAVE found me desirable in the past. Of course, I was younger, cuter, blah, blah, blah. I doubt it was STILL true. Show Me, right! well, I'll show HIM!

I realize that was one of the driving factors that helped push me to the sex party last weekend. I would prove no one would be interested. To my delight and utter surprise, there WERE men attracted to me. Quite a few in fact. I had to admit that maybe my therapist might be on to something... I'm not convinced yet but I can at least see the possibility.

That is the running theme in our sessions. Getting me to see the possibility of things. My very well honed stubbornness is tough to crack through. When we started, another thing I could never imagine was that I could be in a relationship again. I had been hurt so deeply so many times that I could truly not even imagine having someone in my life that I could love, trust and rely on who would truly feel the same toward me. I don't make statements like that lightly. I truly couldn't even imagine it. The other night I had a dream where, after a bit of a struggle, I found a man who loved me. Truly loved ME and I loved him back. I called it 'The Boyfriend Dream'. I can't say I can't even imagine it anymore.

I guess I am saying 'Show Me' to myself more than to anyone else. That is when I really believe.