Self Image

I wonder how most other people actually 'see' themselves. I mean this both literally and figuratively. When I look in the mirror I truly do not see the same person that appears in photographs. This has become quite shocking for me as a considerable weight gain has accompanied this most recent bout with my depression and I am at the heaviest I've ever been.

Weight has always been a struggle for me but I have usually been able to keep it in check. At least so I've remained in the 'normal' sizes in clothing stores. What is shocking is though I have been aware that I was gaining weight what I saw (and still see) in the mirror isn't much different than what I've always seen. I recently had my picture taken at a social event and did not recognise myself when the prints were brought around. I could not reconcile the person in the photograph with what I see in the mirror every day. I was huge...

How can it be that even though I looked at myself in a mirror every day I never saw myself ballooning to the size I had obviously reached? I've heard that people suffering from anorexia look in the mirror and see a fat person even though they are emaciated. It never made any sense to me. How could they NOT see themselves? It is all right there - open your eyes! This is that same phenomenon in reverse. It begs the question... Do any of us see the 'real' version of ourselves when looking in a mirror?

I've also discovered that I don't have a good handle on how I'm presenting myself to the world. There was a time in my life when I repressed all anger. As a child, expressing anger was not allowed and I learned quickly to push that feeling down deep. After years of denying feelings of anger, they would erupt in an uncontrollable way. Never violently, that is not in my make up. But I would lose all control, become enraged, screaming, yelling and causing quite the scene. When I started my first round of therapy years ago, I discovered a way of allowing myself to express anger in an effort to keep the logjam from forming and the massive eruption from happening.

Recently I found myself in a frustrating place at work but I was able to express my frustration and solve the problem. Once it was over, it was over and I could go on my merry way as the (usually) calm person I am. I went into my boss's office to let her know everything was taken care of and she said, "You have got to calm down." I didn't understand what she meant. I was speaking in a clam tone of voice, no expletives, and from my point of view the issue was closed. "I am calm. I'm fine, really!" I replied. She gave me a look that said 'OK, but I don't think so...'

A couple of days later I had a therapy session and I had not been feeling well. We were still working on getting the medications balanced and I did not feel like anything was working out. I was having mood swings that were taking me down physically, mentally and emotionally. When I walked into my Doctor's office, he had an immediate reaction to me. He asked why I was so angry? Again, I did not understand what he was talking about. "You are radiating angry energy that is almost palpable." he told me. I tried to convince him he was wrong but he doesn't let me get away with ignoring things going on in the room even if I don't get it at the time. He always plants the seed for me to tend to later.

Over the next few days I pondered these two events. Here were two people who know me well, both telling me I was very angry to the point I was essentially changing the energy in a room and I could not see (or feel) it. It was hard to deny they might be on to something. How could I be back to the place of extreme rage? I've been expressing my anger when new issues came up. I was sticking up for myself when I was feeling attacked. I was not repressing my anger, damn it! I had to look deeper at the specific events themselves to find the piece I was missing. The piece I needed to see the whole picture more clearly.

I brought this up at my next therapy session. Without going into the excruciating minutiae, what I found is that yes, I do express anger at new situations, and I do not allow myself to be attacked without responding. What I was not seeing is that under certain circumstances, old buttons were being pushed. Old issues of abandonment, fear of loss, neglect and any of a number of very old, very deep wounds can be connected to new events. From what I'm learning, the subconscious mind does not have a sense of time so new events can be interpreted in such a way that old responses kick in.

When distilled to its essence I could see that this particular situation was very similar to many that I experienced as a child from my mother. My reactions in the moment were appropriate to the events at hand but the lingering anger was a response to the old wound being picked at and I was completely unaware it was happening. Apparently those around me could see the anger I could not. Just as what I see in the mirror is not what others see, my anger is often not visible to me.

Finding a way of seeing myself clearly is going to be a very tough job...