Self Image (Pt. 3)

As I journey through, and out of, my depression, I find more and more that my perception of myself is flawed.

In a recent session, my therapist asked me how many people have found me desirable. My initial answer was "Other than people who I later found to have had an ulterior motive, using me to make someone else jealous, financial or personal gain, etc. - just one." I was as sure about that answer as if I had been asked my name.

He asked if I was referring to 'Mr. Brazil', the man I speak of in an earlier post. "Well, no." I said, "I guess there have been two then. I meant 'MRI Guy'. We met on a gay 4th of July cruise and dated for a few months but I wasn't really ready for a new relationship. 'Untalented but Beautiful Actor' had only moved out three months earlier and I was very leery of allowing anyone new in." I explained.

As we discussed this further I began to remember others... men who had clearly been attracted to me, that I had pushed out of my mind. Men who's desire for me physically I had dismissed out of hand for a myriad of reasons that all seemed rational and valid at the time. The one's that remained in the forefront of my consciousness were all of the ones that ended badly or reinforced my self image of being unattractive and unlovable. By the time we had finished the session I was able to identify seven of these men.

Since then more and more have sprung to mind. These are the one's I'm aware of. The number may be even larger if I am to accept the possibility that there were some I didn't acknowledge at all. 'Mr. Brazil' is a perfect example.

I was at a bar with my friend 'Iron Chef' one night. A place we would frequent once a week because it was between work and home for both of us. We also had become friends with a few of the bartenders and it was a perfect time and place for us all to get together. One evening we spotted a very sexy older man come into the bar and we both mentioned how handsome he was. Later in the evening one of our bartender friends came over and asked me if he could introduce one of his friends to me. I said 'sure' and then 'Iron chef' said, "It's that hot guy!" "Right", I said, "He wants to meet ME!" I turned around and was face to face with 'Mr. Brazil'. As I mentioned he was VERY handsome and VERY sexy so the attraction for me was immediate. I just couldn't imagine why he was interested in meeting me. As we spoke more the mutual attraction was undeniable (and, as I mentioned in the earlier post, he is a great kisser) and we exchanged contact info. As I read his card I noticed the address. "Is this your home address?" I asked. It was. I said, "You live right around the corner from me." "I know" he said, "I see you walk your dog all the time and have been trying to get your attention for two years but you never see me."

!!!!!!!!

How often have I missed these opportunities?