I Went Through With It... and Had Fun

I'm still processing the events of last night but I did go through with attending the sex party.

I battled with myself as I got ready (has it always taken so long?) and, in the end, got into a cab and was on my way. I got there more quickly than I expected, was nervous as hell (would I be accepted, would I find anyone attractive, would anyone fine ME attractive, would this be an emotional disaster?) and took a few minutes to calm myself while I undressed in the bathroom.

I checked my clothes and ventured into the 'playroom'. The experience was very much as I remembered. I guess not much changes with these things other than the location and the participants. I was surprised at how quickly my nerves left and how quickly I was approached. Turns out I was much more popular than I imagined possible. A very nice boost to my ego!

It was still a bit overwhelming so I really didn't engage in a lot of activity, preferring to keep things simple and let myself get used to the idea that I am still sexually desirable. A little sensual conversation, a lot of kissing, and some oral play was as far as I was willing to go and there was plenty of opportunity for just that. Watching others engage in more intense play was more than enough for a 'first time'.

I only stayed for about two hours but had a great time. This is a pretty regular party so I'll definitely go again and explore and engage more as I reacquaint and become more comfortable with my sexual side. We've been apart for a long time!

A Brave New World... of SEX

I had quite a bit of downtime over the holidays and had some time to prowl the Internet looking at how it is being used in the pursuit of sex these days. I knew about the gay 'hook-up' and dating sites but I was very curious about what the 'new' things were. And I was horny! The world of cyber sex is fascinating...

Although I'm not feeling up to 'Real World' encounters, the cyber world is allowing me to try on new roles, desires, personalities, and even looks I doubt I could pull off in reality. Some of it has been just ridiculous, some fun, some surprisingly hot and passionate. I've also met some really kind, sweet people. Is any of it real? Probably not but I don't think it maters really. For me it is all about regaining my 'sea legs' in the dating and sex worlds. To my relief I'm finding it is like riding a bike... you never really forget.

I will admit, I have a couple of cyber crushes... two men with whom I have made a connection beyond hot cyber-sex. and some of it has been HOT, HOT, HOT! But these two men in particular have also reached out on a personal level to talk about themselves, their emotional sides, their playful sides and their desires for the future. One has made a very large impact on me and, if what has been presented by us both were 'real, is someone with whom I would pursue a relationship. Of course, I have to presume, at least on some levels, he is also trying on different guises to see how they fit. I think that is the downside to the cyber world that people forget. It isn't real. That doesn't mean it has no value or can't have an effect on one's life. Movies, theatre, novels and many other forms of entertainment aren't 'real' but can still move us in profound ways. The feeling, emotion and passion they inspire IS real and valuable.

They also allow me to feel good about myself because they have been sweet and kind and undemanding (except under certain very welcome circumstances!). Simply having those feelings awakened again is an important part of my return to the real world just in a safer environment.

Fortunately, the cyber world does connect with the real world and present one with interesting opportunities. I have one of those opportunities tonight and, so far, I am expecting to take full advantage of it. Am I ready to delve into the real world of sex? It has been eight months... I vacillate every five minutes. There's still a good seven hours 'till I have to actually decide. It will depend on how my battle of wills turns out... how well I think I 'clean up' tonight (Hmmmm), how horny I am (so far, very!), and how cold it is (VERY!).

Tune in tomorrow...

Sexual Healing

One aspect of my life that has taken a dramatic turn is my sex life. I was a 'late bloomer' having my first sexual encounter at 19. Once that door was opened though, I did my best to make up for lost time. I was looking for and finding sex partners everywhere, bars, clubs, parks, movie theatres, restrooms... classic early 80's gay trysting places. Multiple men a night (sometimes at the same time) was the norm. I was experiencing as much as I could and as many flavors as I could find. Some did not appeal to me but most did. It was a LOT of fun!

At some point in my mid 30's though, the experience changed. I've always looked much younger than I was so it wasn't due to lack of opportunity. I was still enjoying the sex but immediately after, I felt empty. Often while still naked with the other man. The 'High' did not last beyond the orgasm.

In retrospect, I see this was when the depression first started to appear. The frequent, random, anonymous sex was not the cause of the depression, in fact it had probably been lurking under the surface for a very long time. Sex was like a drug. An escape from parts of my life. And as with any drug, it eventually lost its potency. The feelings of loneliness were amplified after these intense physical encounters were over because there was nothing else there. I believe I was desperate for an emotional connection through the physical because that was what was (is) truly missing from my life.

As the depression deepened and my self worth diminished, the momentary passion and excitement that sex provided disappeared. Where once I was having sex four or five times a week, I was now going months, sometimes years between encounters - and that was fine with me. I had gotten to a place where sex made me feel even worse so why would I do that to myself? I became quite adept at masturbation fantasies when 'the need' arose and phone-sex when the need to hear another voice in the throes of passion was needed. This was my primary method of sexual release for years. Occasionally actual partners would come and go but none that worked out more than once or twice.

There was one exception, 'Mr Brazil'. A man who lived out of the city most of the year but who would come into town in the fall and give me a call. He is a very handsome and sweet man but the sex is uninspired. Because I do genuinely like him I don't feel as empty as I usually do after sex but the encounters are so predictable that there is little excitement either. He is a great kisser and that makes up for a LOT but his sexual wants are quite small and he isn't interested in anything beyond that. I can describe exactly what will happen when we get together and, try as I might (and believe me, I HAVE tried) the pattern cannot be varied. He must shower IMMEDIATELY after he cums... even if I'm not finished. ("Not Polite!" - I can hear Miss Manners now...)

So, I eventually found myself resigned to masturbation and phone-sex as my primary sexual world. As Woody Allen said... "At least it's sex with someone I love". The only problem is that I wasn't in love with myself...

As I mentioned in my very first post, my psychiatrist found some medical issues that were contributing to my depression. One problem that was discovered was that I had a very low level of testosterone. He has found that a very large percentage of his gay patients suffering from extreme depression have this same problem and it is often overlooked. My levels were about 20% of what they should be so replacement therapy was ordered.

This, along with the anti-depressants quickly began to lighten my mood so at least I could feel 'good enough' to begin the work necessary to deal with the depression. The side effect though is that my sex drive has grown exponentially. I constantly think about sex and how to get it. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling 'ready' to act on it. I have a lot of work to do on myself physically before I will feel even remotely desirable. I hadn't noticed how little I cared about my appearance in the last few years. Everything about me feels drab which is NOT helpful in the gay meat market. So I am scrubbing, buffing, polishing, and grooming myself silly so I can get out there and FUCK! Was it always this much work?

At least it is starting to feel like it is worth it!