As I journey through, and out of, my depression, I find more and more that my perception of myself is flawed.
In a recent session, my therapist asked me how many people have found me desirable. My initial answer was "Other than people who I later found to have had an ulterior motive, using me to make someone else jealous, financial or personal gain, etc. - just one." I was as sure about that answer as if I had been asked my name.
He asked if I was referring to 'Mr. Brazil', the man I speak of in an earlier post. "Well, no." I said, "I guess there have been two then. I meant 'MRI Guy'. We met on a gay 4th of July cruise and dated for a few months but I wasn't really ready for a new relationship. 'Untalented but Beautiful Actor' had only moved out three months earlier and I was very leery of allowing anyone new in." I explained.
As we discussed this further I began to remember others... men who had clearly been attracted to me, that I had pushed out of my mind. Men who's desire for me physically I had dismissed out of hand for a myriad of reasons that all seemed rational and valid at the time. The one's that remained in the forefront of my consciousness were all of the ones that ended badly or reinforced my self image of being unattractive and unlovable. By the time we had finished the session I was able to identify seven of these men.
Since then more and more have sprung to mind. These are the one's I'm aware of. The number may be even larger if I am to accept the possibility that there were some I didn't acknowledge at all. 'Mr. Brazil' is a perfect example.
I was at a bar with my friend 'Iron Chef' one night. A place we would frequent once a week because it was between work and home for both of us. We also had become friends with a few of the bartenders and it was a perfect time and place for us all to get together. One evening we spotted a very sexy older man come into the bar and we both mentioned how handsome he was. Later in the evening one of our bartender friends came over and asked me if he could introduce one of his friends to me. I said 'sure' and then 'Iron chef' said, "It's that hot guy!" "Right", I said, "He wants to meet ME!" I turned around and was face to face with 'Mr. Brazil'. As I mentioned he was VERY handsome and VERY sexy so the attraction for me was immediate. I just couldn't imagine why he was interested in meeting me. As we spoke more the mutual attraction was undeniable (and, as I mentioned in the earlier post, he is a great kisser) and we exchanged contact info. As I read his card I noticed the address. "Is this your home address?" I asked. It was. I said, "You live right around the corner from me." "I know" he said, "I see you walk your dog all the time and have been trying to get your attention for two years but you never see me."
!!!!!!!!
How often have I missed these opportunities?
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Self Image (Pt.2)
Another self image issue I have is that I do not believe that other people truly like or care for me. Now even I know that is much too broad a statement to be true. I have great friends back where I grew up who do care and often tell me how much I am missed and loved. I have a wonderful sister who means the world to me. I also have countless numbers of examples of people who should have cared for me. Who should have loved and protected me who didn't. My parents were never affectionate with us and we were often left to fend for ourselves.
There was a time when I was in High School that I was convinced that the only reason I had any friends was that my mother had paid them. Outrageous, but it was how I felt. Now that only lasted a few minutes but in some ways that feeling has persisted way in the back of my subconscious. In some ways I don't believe that people are honest with how they feel about me if they claim to see me in a positive light. In my mind, the majority of people I have had in my life have been emotionally cruel, used and then discarded me, or, worst of all, not even acknowledged my existence. Those people have such power and take such focus that soometimes I don't see the people who do love me. I'm reminded of Julia Roberts' line in Pretty Woman when she and Richard Gere are talking about how she doesn't like compliments because she never believes them. Her explanation is that she's heard too many times how worthless she is and that "It is easier to believe the bad stuff". I have rarely identified with anything more.
I often feel invisible when out in the world. Being a gay man 'of a certain age', this is magnified because the gay community requires a certain level of confidence and bravado from its 'members'. As an attractive young man who did not suffer from lack of physical love, I could combat the invisibility with sexuality though I never felt an emotional connection . Looking for emotional acceptance in the land of quick and often anonymous sexual encounters is foolish but it was the only place I could find. At least there were men willing to love me physically and their pursuit of me validated my existence. Of course I got out of there as soon as it was over before they could get to know 'me' and become another in the long line of people who hurt me. Eventually the empty sex stopped filling the emotional void as it grew ever larger. Of course it took years (I was having a lot of fun!) but eventually I stopped the cruising and tried to find that missing piece. That emotional connection but I found myself back being used, lied to, and eventually devistated by a succession of men I trusted.
Another moment that has come to mind recently when when I was probably 18 or 19 years old. I was talking with one of my college friends (who remains one of my closest friends in the world) and I made the statement "I want to be one of those people who, when they walk in a room, everyone turns to look at." I don't think we discussed that statement. I certainly don't remember any discussion. I think it was just too dangerous and we were too immature to understand what I was actually saying. I understand now that 'those' kinds of people demand that kind of attention with their attitude as much as their physical presence. I think at the time I believed that if I were beautiful people would love me.
My therapist said that we need to focus on work that will allow me to see the possibility that someone could actually love me warts and all. That they wouldn't even see the things about myself that I find so revolting. At this point in my life I can't even imagine that to be true. I can't imagine trusting anyone who would say anything so insane! In my heart I hope I'm wrong.
There was a time when I was in High School that I was convinced that the only reason I had any friends was that my mother had paid them. Outrageous, but it was how I felt. Now that only lasted a few minutes but in some ways that feeling has persisted way in the back of my subconscious. In some ways I don't believe that people are honest with how they feel about me if they claim to see me in a positive light. In my mind, the majority of people I have had in my life have been emotionally cruel, used and then discarded me, or, worst of all, not even acknowledged my existence. Those people have such power and take such focus that soometimes I don't see the people who do love me. I'm reminded of Julia Roberts' line in Pretty Woman when she and Richard Gere are talking about how she doesn't like compliments because she never believes them. Her explanation is that she's heard too many times how worthless she is and that "It is easier to believe the bad stuff". I have rarely identified with anything more.
I often feel invisible when out in the world. Being a gay man 'of a certain age', this is magnified because the gay community requires a certain level of confidence and bravado from its 'members'. As an attractive young man who did not suffer from lack of physical love, I could combat the invisibility with sexuality though I never felt an emotional connection . Looking for emotional acceptance in the land of quick and often anonymous sexual encounters is foolish but it was the only place I could find. At least there were men willing to love me physically and their pursuit of me validated my existence. Of course I got out of there as soon as it was over before they could get to know 'me' and become another in the long line of people who hurt me. Eventually the empty sex stopped filling the emotional void as it grew ever larger. Of course it took years (I was having a lot of fun!) but eventually I stopped the cruising and tried to find that missing piece. That emotional connection but I found myself back being used, lied to, and eventually devistated by a succession of men I trusted.
Another moment that has come to mind recently when when I was probably 18 or 19 years old. I was talking with one of my college friends (who remains one of my closest friends in the world) and I made the statement "I want to be one of those people who, when they walk in a room, everyone turns to look at." I don't think we discussed that statement. I certainly don't remember any discussion. I think it was just too dangerous and we were too immature to understand what I was actually saying. I understand now that 'those' kinds of people demand that kind of attention with their attitude as much as their physical presence. I think at the time I believed that if I were beautiful people would love me.
My therapist said that we need to focus on work that will allow me to see the possibility that someone could actually love me warts and all. That they wouldn't even see the things about myself that I find so revolting. At this point in my life I can't even imagine that to be true. I can't imagine trusting anyone who would say anything so insane! In my heart I hope I'm wrong.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Self Image
I wonder how most other people actually 'see' themselves. I mean this both literally and figuratively. When I look in the mirror I truly do not see the same person that appears in photographs. This has become quite shocking for me as a considerable weight gain has accompanied this most recent bout with my depression and I am at the heaviest I've ever been.
Weight has always been a struggle for me but I have usually been able to keep it in check. At least so I've remained in the 'normal' sizes in clothing stores. What is shocking is though I have been aware that I was gaining weight what I saw (and still see) in the mirror isn't much different than what I've always seen. I recently had my picture taken at a social event and did not recognise myself when the prints were brought around. I could not reconcile the person in the photograph with what I see in the mirror every day. I was huge...
How can it be that even though I looked at myself in a mirror every day I never saw myself ballooning to the size I had obviously reached? I've heard that people suffering from anorexia look in the mirror and see a fat person even though they are emaciated. It never made any sense to me. How could they NOT see themselves? It is all right there - open your eyes! This is that same phenomenon in reverse. It begs the question... Do any of us see the 'real' version of ourselves when looking in a mirror?
I've also discovered that I don't have a good handle on how I'm presenting myself to the world. There was a time in my life when I repressed all anger. As a child, expressing anger was not allowed and I learned quickly to push that feeling down deep. After years of denying feelings of anger, they would erupt in an uncontrollable way. Never violently, that is not in my make up. But I would lose all control, become enraged, screaming, yelling and causing quite the scene. When I started my first round of therapy years ago, I discovered a way of allowing myself to express anger in an effort to keep the logjam from forming and the massive eruption from happening.
Recently I found myself in a frustrating place at work but I was able to express my frustration and solve the problem. Once it was over, it was over and I could go on my merry way as the (usually) calm person I am. I went into my boss's office to let her know everything was taken care of and she said, "You have got to calm down." I didn't understand what she meant. I was speaking in a clam tone of voice, no expletives, and from my point of view the issue was closed. "I am calm. I'm fine, really!" I replied. She gave me a look that said 'OK, but I don't think so...'
A couple of days later I had a therapy session and I had not been feeling well. We were still working on getting the medications balanced and I did not feel like anything was working out. I was having mood swings that were taking me down physically, mentally and emotionally. When I walked into my Doctor's office, he had an immediate reaction to me. He asked why I was so angry? Again, I did not understand what he was talking about. "You are radiating angry energy that is almost palpable." he told me. I tried to convince him he was wrong but he doesn't let me get away with ignoring things going on in the room even if I don't get it at the time. He always plants the seed for me to tend to later.
Over the next few days I pondered these two events. Here were two people who know me well, both telling me I was very angry to the point I was essentially changing the energy in a room and I could not see (or feel) it. It was hard to deny they might be on to something. How could I be back to the place of extreme rage? I've been expressing my anger when new issues came up. I was sticking up for myself when I was feeling attacked. I was not repressing my anger, damn it! I had to look deeper at the specific events themselves to find the piece I was missing. The piece I needed to see the whole picture more clearly.
I brought this up at my next therapy session. Without going into the excruciating minutiae, what I found is that yes, I do express anger at new situations, and I do not allow myself to be attacked without responding. What I was not seeing is that under certain circumstances, old buttons were being pushed. Old issues of abandonment, fear of loss, neglect and any of a number of very old, very deep wounds can be connected to new events. From what I'm learning, the subconscious mind does not have a sense of time so new events can be interpreted in such a way that old responses kick in.
When distilled to its essence I could see that this particular situation was very similar to many that I experienced as a child from my mother. My reactions in the moment were appropriate to the events at hand but the lingering anger was a response to the old wound being picked at and I was completely unaware it was happening. Apparently those around me could see the anger I could not. Just as what I see in the mirror is not what others see, my anger is often not visible to me.
Finding a way of seeing myself clearly is going to be a very tough job...
Weight has always been a struggle for me but I have usually been able to keep it in check. At least so I've remained in the 'normal' sizes in clothing stores. What is shocking is though I have been aware that I was gaining weight what I saw (and still see) in the mirror isn't much different than what I've always seen. I recently had my picture taken at a social event and did not recognise myself when the prints were brought around. I could not reconcile the person in the photograph with what I see in the mirror every day. I was huge...
How can it be that even though I looked at myself in a mirror every day I never saw myself ballooning to the size I had obviously reached? I've heard that people suffering from anorexia look in the mirror and see a fat person even though they are emaciated. It never made any sense to me. How could they NOT see themselves? It is all right there - open your eyes! This is that same phenomenon in reverse. It begs the question... Do any of us see the 'real' version of ourselves when looking in a mirror?
I've also discovered that I don't have a good handle on how I'm presenting myself to the world. There was a time in my life when I repressed all anger. As a child, expressing anger was not allowed and I learned quickly to push that feeling down deep. After years of denying feelings of anger, they would erupt in an uncontrollable way. Never violently, that is not in my make up. But I would lose all control, become enraged, screaming, yelling and causing quite the scene. When I started my first round of therapy years ago, I discovered a way of allowing myself to express anger in an effort to keep the logjam from forming and the massive eruption from happening.
Recently I found myself in a frustrating place at work but I was able to express my frustration and solve the problem. Once it was over, it was over and I could go on my merry way as the (usually) calm person I am. I went into my boss's office to let her know everything was taken care of and she said, "You have got to calm down." I didn't understand what she meant. I was speaking in a clam tone of voice, no expletives, and from my point of view the issue was closed. "I am calm. I'm fine, really!" I replied. She gave me a look that said 'OK, but I don't think so...'
A couple of days later I had a therapy session and I had not been feeling well. We were still working on getting the medications balanced and I did not feel like anything was working out. I was having mood swings that were taking me down physically, mentally and emotionally. When I walked into my Doctor's office, he had an immediate reaction to me. He asked why I was so angry? Again, I did not understand what he was talking about. "You are radiating angry energy that is almost palpable." he told me. I tried to convince him he was wrong but he doesn't let me get away with ignoring things going on in the room even if I don't get it at the time. He always plants the seed for me to tend to later.
Over the next few days I pondered these two events. Here were two people who know me well, both telling me I was very angry to the point I was essentially changing the energy in a room and I could not see (or feel) it. It was hard to deny they might be on to something. How could I be back to the place of extreme rage? I've been expressing my anger when new issues came up. I was sticking up for myself when I was feeling attacked. I was not repressing my anger, damn it! I had to look deeper at the specific events themselves to find the piece I was missing. The piece I needed to see the whole picture more clearly.
I brought this up at my next therapy session. Without going into the excruciating minutiae, what I found is that yes, I do express anger at new situations, and I do not allow myself to be attacked without responding. What I was not seeing is that under certain circumstances, old buttons were being pushed. Old issues of abandonment, fear of loss, neglect and any of a number of very old, very deep wounds can be connected to new events. From what I'm learning, the subconscious mind does not have a sense of time so new events can be interpreted in such a way that old responses kick in.
When distilled to its essence I could see that this particular situation was very similar to many that I experienced as a child from my mother. My reactions in the moment were appropriate to the events at hand but the lingering anger was a response to the old wound being picked at and I was completely unaware it was happening. Apparently those around me could see the anger I could not. Just as what I see in the mirror is not what others see, my anger is often not visible to me.
Finding a way of seeing myself clearly is going to be a very tough job...
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